Advice column: Beauty and style, it’s worth your while magazine

Poem: Advice column: Beauty and style, it’s worth your while magazine

Dear anonymous

If truth be told…
black is not slimming
and the camera always lies

Therefore measurement is your disguise
Distort the size of those tree trunk thighs
Stand at a 45 degree angle towards everything you face
At the same time accentuate those features by wearing a veil of white floral lace
Tilt your head up towards the star filled skies
and it’s no surprise, as if by magic that

“slimmer looking” are now your thighs!

Fushia pink mascara will revive those weary looking eyes
They’ll shine so brightly and attract all the moths, the bees and the butterflies

Begin to strut forwards with style and aplomb

Always wear vertical striped culottes
Never anything horizontal – imagine the size of your…

Never mind as this is not advice from your mum!

She would no doubt say –

“Horizontal bands are for planets and you are not Jupiter,

Uranus or Saturn!”

Your old style of living is a bridge you have had to cross

and now is the time to ignite and to watch burn!

Like the planets however, you do look good…
from a distance and in the dark…

Didn’t I say to you that measurement was your disguise?

Well, at least for this week and in this column, that’s what I would advise…

Let me know how it goes xx

Review: Advice column: Beauty and style, it’s worth your while magazine

 

Brace yourself anonymous as you’re about to hear of some ‘truths’ from

“beauty and style, It’s worth your while!” magazine.

The expert is going straight in with offering ‘advice’ towards reaching that beauty and slimming goal.

Black not slimming? What?

And the camera is always lying? Surely not!

How can that be so when we are all conditioned to believe in the integrity of ‘black’ in fashion being slimming and that the camera is a server of truths.

As someone who’s reading the advice column as a neutral, and not seeking it, I’m curious to find out exactly what the ‘expert advice’ actually is. What does it involve? Maybe I might give it a go? (yes, my tongue remains firmly in my cheek when I think of it. I have my reservations upon reading the magazine title.

Measurement as ‘beauty advice?’

Referring to star filled skies and planets with horizontal bands?

Wearing a veil to not cover but accentuate features?

Tilting of the head? Fushia pink mascara? Winged insects are involved too.

It’s a busy poem. Lots going on and lots to do. It’s not a simple “eat less and move around more” piece of advice.

Once all that is done, it’s about getting your stripes in order and striding forwards with confidence wearing short trousers!

(Why didn’t I ever think of that eh?)

It’s bold.

Get going with all of this and no doubt becoming beautiful will be achieved!

Entertaining with so many unexpected strong visuals within the poem. It’s a million miles from cliched ‘beauty advice’.

Fun rhyming with using words lies, disguise, and thighs!

Playful rhyming with ‘aplomb’ and the suggestion of the word ‘bum’  then using the word ‘mum’.

A humorous touch.

The burning of a bridge is always a great metaphor to use. Don’t

go back to that old style of living, advises the expert.

Well, this current state of living of being overly focussed on the superficial with so called experts tripping over each other to offer faux support and advice is more concerning I would say.

I love the ironic slant and style of the poem

Concluding it with ‘you look good from a distance and in the dark’ and

‘Let me know how it goes’ at the end is hilarious. I’m not reading this poem as cruel but as a cultural reference point to exactly how ridiculous so called beauty advice is when it goes too far.

The poem is holding up a mirror to many.